How to lose a client in 10 days

So, you need a way to get rid of all your clients. Well, it’s quite easy.

You receive a quote request…

Then, simply follow these steps to ensure that you lose the client:

Day 1

Do not open their message. You must make the client wait at least three days.

Day 2

Do nothing.

Day 3

Keep doing nothing.

Day 4

Open the message and quote the project. Offer an incredibly high price and then, when the client declines, slash 50% of it, just for fun. Be sure that the client understands you have no idea what you are doing.

Day 5 (Five days before the deadline)

Accept the project (always accept projects!) Accept any deadline, even if you know that you will not be able to meet it. Accept any job, even if you have no idea what the subject matter is.

Day 6 (Four days before the deadline)

Do nothing.

Day 7 (Three days before the deadline)

Do nothing.

Day 8 (Two days before the deadline)

Start translating. Use the following method:

1. Use your desktop as a folder to archive all your documents and be sure to forget where you’ve put the file you are working on.
2. If the client sends a new version of the file, accept it and then lose it in the magnificent labyrinth of folders you have painstakingly created on your computer.
3. Make sure you send a separate email about any doubts you have and that you repeat the same question again when it has already been answered by the client. Be sure to send the same question at least five times.
4. You can also try sending questions that show beyond all reasonable doubt that you don’t have the slightest idea how to work with the tools you mention on your CV (if you have ten years’ experience with Trados, asking what an unclean file is will help you lose a client in ten minutes).

Day 9 (One day before the deadline)

1. Inform the client that you are finding the translation too difficult and that you need more days to finish it. When the client answers, be sure to be rude and blame the client. (Always blame the client!)
2. As a point of pride, always deliver an unrevised version of the file.
3. If you read through your translation in the end (by mistake, of course), try not to save any corrections you make.

Day 10 (Delivery day)

1. Disappear. Completely and forever. Don’t forget to forget to deliver the project.
2. If you do send a delivery message (though this is not recommended), try your best to forget the attachment, and then happily disappear.

After delivery

1. Now is the time to start negotiating the price.
2. Be sure to be offended by any doubts the client may have.
3. If the client is still yours, be sure to continue to be very rude.

(And, yes, there are also ways for a client to lose a translator… I’ll get back to you on that.)

This was a post written by Marco Neves. I posted it for technical reasons.